Health Warning: Reading this may damage one's mental state.
In my new home, we have over 600 channels, but none of them in English. We find ourselves incessantly watching two Polish music channels. These channels play selected latest hits over and over as well as a range of Polish pop hits. It's nice to have music in the house, but the downside is, you get some
really annoying songs stuck in your head ......DM: You have returned from your recent adventure. Having slain the vicious ogre living in the cave outside of town, you are invited to the Castellan's feast and dance. Dressed in the fine new clothes you purchased from the bounty, you sit back and admire the scene.
A warm festive hall. A long bench to one side laden with preserved meats, fruits and wine. The well to do are milling around, talking and enjoying the fare. At the head of the hall, the Castellan claps his hands and says 'music!' Let us dance.
(
DM Switches on some dance music of the high renaissance period for mood).
DM: A curvy local maiden whirls towards to you laughing, grabs your hand and pulls you up to dance. What do you do?
Player: I go eagerly and join the dancing!
DM: Just as the dance is about to start, a bell sounds, and the Elven Princess that rules over the clan in the nearby forest, enters the hall with a flourish. She lines up and joins the dance. You know this is a group dance where partners circulate, so your heart is aflutter as you realise you will get to dance with the princess.
The dance proceeds, the music light and playful. Colours whirl as dance partners circulate. Suddenly the princess, tall and slender, stands before you, her hand rested lightly on your shoulder.
Player: (Song comes unbidden into his head MY ANACONDA DON'T .... )
DM: Do you do anything? Say anything?
Player: (MY ANACONDA DON'T ...) errr. I say it is an honour to meet you Princess.
DM: She smiles mysteriously.
Player: (Suppresses the urge to shout ... MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU'VE GOT BUNS HUN).
DM: You wait too long to speak and she whirls away from you to the next partner.
Suddenly there is a rumbling and a crash. A section of the wall across the room crumbles leaving a gaping dark hole. There is a clicking sound and skeletons burst forth into the room and attack. Patrons scream. The guards leap across the room and suddenly you are in the middle of a confusing affray. What do you do?
Player: (Thinks to himself ... well that's easy ... F**k those b***ches). I rush over to my chair and grab my sword and attack.
Player and
DM roll dice. The first skeleton misses. The player hits (Thinks to himself ... F**k those skinny b***ches).
Next round ensues. Dice are rolled. Skeletons miss. Player swings sword in an arc and takes out two (Thinks to himself ... F**k those skinny white b***ches in the club).
DM: Excellent attack. The tide of battle turns in your favour. Your next action?
Player: (Can't get the song out of his head anymore. He leaps up scattering dice everywhere, dances and shouts:)
Well I did a galliard with this young elven maiden
when crash came down the walls and them undead they're raidin.
I swung and I slashed and them bones went a flyin'
While the foppish little court dudes are a screamin and cryin'
The battle its now over, and I want a reward
Those maidens they all like me, yes I think I have scored
The princess, while she's pretty, is too skinny and cold
And the Castellan's wife? Well a little too old
That first lively maiden, she was a lotta fun
And most importantly of all, she's got buns hun
MY ANACONDA DON'T ....
MY ANACONDA DON'T ....
DM: Rolls his own dice and saves against mind attacks. Pulls his display mace off the wall, (thwack) knocks out his insane player, and awards himself 500 xp.
